We'd been friends for many years
Until I finally confessed
That I've always loved you darling
But you were not impressed

If I can never be your lover
Then I'll accept our destiny
And I'll embrace your gift of friendship
As I jack off constantly

Oh, I'll be there to lift you when you fall
With one arm around your shoulder and the other on my balls
Oh, if you need me you just have to call
'Cause I'll be next to you,
Masturbating

1, 2, 3, let's do it!

Through the good times and the bad
I will do everything I can
Like if you ever need help moving,
I can jerk off in the van

If your car breaks on the road
I'll grab my crank and pick you up
And we can drive away together
As I lotion up my junk

Oh, it doesn't matter where our lives will lead us
I will always stand beside you, both in spirit and in penis
Oh, excuse me but I have to go dry clean this
'Cause I've been next to you,
Masturbating

Look, I know this may seem weird, but it's not.
Every friendship I've ever had has been like this
You should know that I'm not doing this for myself
It's partly for you, but most of all, I'm doing this...
for America!

Oh, tell me everything that's in your heart
This is Claire, we're gonna make out
You just go ahead and start
If it escalates to boning, it means I'm listening super hard
'Cause I'll be next to you,
Masturbating

Oh, wait, Claire brought a friend
We're gonna have a threesome
And a crowd of people's gathered
To watch me bang both her and Lisa
Oh, when this is done you and I are getting pizza
'Cause I'll be next to you,
Masturbating

Slash having a threesome with Claire
But still masturbating.