911 what's your emergency?
I nailed my finger to a birdhouse accidentally
Do you have some bacon (bacon?)
Bacon, That's right
I have bacon left over from dinner last night
Rub some bacon on it
what?
On your hand just do it
Rub some bacon on it
That's all there is to it?

What if I drop my phone?
Rub some bacon on it
or encounter my clone?
Rub some bacon on it
I get mononucleosis
Rub some bacon on it
My nude pics get posted

(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
Yeah

My home gets foreclosed
Rub some bacon on it
My cat explodes
Rub some bacon on it
I wake up in a trunk
Rub some bacon on it
My friend goes steampunk
Rub some bacon on it
I meet real pirates
Rub some bacon on it
There's an akward silence

I say something unintentionally racist
Rub some bacon on it
I'm an adult with braces
Rub some bacon on it
I can't swim
Rub some bacon on it
I'm visited by Mr. Timn

(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it

Bacon hotline, What's your problem?
What if I feed the troll?
Rub some bacon on it
I'm attacked by a narwhal
Rub some bacon on it
The apocalypse started
Rub some bacon on it
I think I might have sharded

(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
(rubba-dub-dub rub some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it
Yeah